Jonno - nobody's fool

For those who like to portray all forwards as single brain-cell donkeys, while the backs are the real thinkers in the game. Consider the two gentlemen here. One is a born leader of men and proven Gladiator, the other a Cambridge graduate and failed coach.

The donkey has convinced the thinker to employ him and hand over all responsibility, thereby emasculating his own boss and bringing into sharp focus the huge salary the failure is drawing - and for what? Booking the coaches for match day? Designing the next blazer?

Furthermore, our hero has decided he won't actually start work until the tricky tour to NZ is over. Thereby giving himself the best possible chance of starting with a winning record. Even better, the failure is due to carry the can for what might be a complete lash-up, as he has been saddled with the Manager's job on a temporary basis, while our hero attends to the birth of his second child.

Whatever you may think about Jonno as team Manager, he has started by establishing his utter dominance over the rest of the RFU Management. At the same time, if he is successful, it makes it more likely that Squeaky will be given the bullet.

Happy days all round then.

Six Nations - week 2

Diving for the corner - Lesson 1: If you are going for the corner in a tight spot, be sure to wear boots the same colour as your socks. That way the idiot TMO may miss your size 9 landing the wrong side of the line.

Diving for the Corner - Lesson 2: At least 9 points for artistic merit, but like the rest of England's performance, an outstanding example of dull thinking. Why dive and put the ball down one handed when you can slide over with the ball in two. Deserved to be dropped for good if he had dropped the ball here. Idiot!

"Jeez boys after a start like that I'll bet we're gonna get beat today. I'll lay 5-1 against us? Any takers?"

Five days later and still not a clue!

I must be getting old. I could have sworn that England were on course to completely coat the Taffies at half time. How the F**K did that happen then.

Poor old Coco here looks similarly confused and enraged. And we look to him for guidance!

In the last couple of days, there has been a concerted effort in the media, particularly those the wrong side of the Severn to praise a dogged Welsh defence. Balls!

Wales were totally useless for 60 minutes. Surely tackling your heart out is the least we should all expect of anyone privileged enough to play for their country in this great game of ours. The Ospreys never looked like scoring until that turnstile Balshaw and the rest started waving them through.

And thats another unanswerable question (like "How does the man that drives the snow plough get to work") - why exactly did England panic? Answers on an e-mail please, personally, I am clueless.

Still, we are all gearing up for the big one this weekend. By that I mean the Hampshire Minis Festival, not the next round of the Six Nations. Funny how none of the Under 7s wanted to be like Jonny last Sunday morning, wonder why?

Bright New Dawn? Not in the Home Nations

Whichever way you look at it, it was a miserable first weekend for the Home Nations.



Oh no doubt in Wales they are still singing out of tune and praising their own Gats and Sean but the rest of us aren't fooled. Nobody played well but the Eyeties.

Still on the bright side, Englishmen had the quiet satisfaction of seeing Andy Nicol choke on his own optimism as the Sweaties went from dull and boring in the RWC to hopeless now. A French team few had even heard of were able to relax in the knowledge that Scotland had rediscovered their blunt ways behind the pack. Never mind that the French scrum went backwards, the Jock backs expertly led by Kiwi Parks would drop it or pass to no-one.

Also, the star of the pre-match hype on TV, new cap Nick de Luca (are the Jocks poaching Eyeties now?) was earth shatteringly crap. I wonder who at the BBC is responsible for this particular gem? I look forward to more albatrosses being hung around the necks of the featured players this week.

Meanwhile, over at Choke Park, Camp Paddy was not a happy one - again. Its hard to champion continuity when the chosen team, weighed down by their caps, plays like complete strangers. I missed the match, but by all accounts, the better team came second.

And back at HQ, we had the unedifying sight of the inept managing to steal a loss against the useless. See next blog for more details.

The single most important fact from last weekend is that the teams with new coaches all put in the better performances - are you watching Rob Andrew. But truly this is the most even championship for years - they all look awful!

Jerry Collins - what a top bloke

Hello everyone, sorry for my absence but have been very busy with non-rugby stuff recently. In the meantime, I hope you all saw the story about Jerry Collins playing for Barnstaple seconds!

Apparently the hard hitting Maori with the pint of Guinness hairdo has been holidaying in North Devon after the World Cup (personally I would have gone for the Caribbean everytime but each to their own, maybe the guy likes cold drizzle coming from Wellington?). Anyway, the upshot of this holiday was that he was spotted by members from Barnstaple RFC and invited to come along to a training session. Which he did.

Then, he was cheekily invited to join the 2nd XV in a game against Newton Abbot, and he took up the invitation, went out and bought some boots, played in the game without killing anyone, and stood a round in the bar! A bonafide rugby hero.

But just imagine how pissed off the 1st XV captain was that league registration rules prevented him playing for Barnstaple's top team!

Also, what must the lads at Newton Abbot have thought when he ran out: "That joker thinks he's Jerry Collins. Ha ha! Bloody hell, it is him - we're doomed"

To put the cherry on the icing of this special hero worship, Jerry then turned out for the Barbarians against South Africa wearing Barnstaple socks. Top man again!

More bloody silly shirts

Just when you think the the World Cup was the nadir of bad shirt day on a rugby field, the Heineken Cup comes along.

Look at these monsters!

Toulouse are now playing in a pastel pink with grey socks and shorts. Treviso switched to Barbie pink. And the great gleaming turd among the sorry bunch is the new Stade Francais strip in diarrhoea brown with pink flowers.

I tell you now, Stade will win nothing in this strip. How can their pack eye each other before the game and reckon yes we're up for this. More likely they'll be saying "Zut alors, do I look as much of a sorry dickhead in this kit as Remy?" Not a positive mindset for playing Bristol in the lashing rain, and so it transpired.

Once again, we, the true rugby fan should point our fingers at the marketing chimps and say: "No more". And for god's sake don't buy the kit. Don't traditional colours count for anything any more.

Brian the Blessed or Coco the Clown?

Well he certainly isn't Andy Robinson and for that we should all be grateful.

How much is down to the coach and how much the players?

Well, if we look back at Brian's tenure to date, he had a good 6 Nations. The defeats against Ireland and Wales were not coaching errors, just a lack of essential fire from the players.

The tour to South Africa was an RFU cock-up, but it meant that we did not really establish a squad of 30 before the summer. The summer training did not seem to help much either. In the warm-ups we stuffed Wales 3rd XV, should have beaten France at home and then lost our way badly in Marseille - was that Brian's fault or the players'? Probably the latter.

By all accounts, Brain likes to encourage the players to be self reliant. Some, like Dayglo, are suggesting he doesn't give enough direction. Well, if he persuaded the team to start to perform, to be accountable for their actions, then you can't argue against the results he has achieved in his last 5 games.

Now is not the time to chuck him out. I don't doubt that there should be an overall Manager appointed above or alongside him. Also, the assistant coaches are not his choices. Let him pick the guys he wants to work with. Personally, I have doubts about John Wells (too fond of Donkey Cozza?) and Mike Ford (what no blitz?), although I would hate to see Wasps lose Sean Edwards.

Jake White has let it be known that he would love the job. Can he wait until the summer? Let's see how Brain does in the 6 nations then decide. Our target must be to win it, and lose no more than one match or Brian gets it.

Still, when have those buggers at the RFU ever listened to reason?